1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
Dear anyone who cares,
I am going to be honest I have had a shitty couple of days- primarily due to people treating me unfairly. As I have been going through the motions I have been reflecting on times when my spirit has been broken down. I will describe a situation below:
Last year during a case interview, my interviewer, after I performed the case took it upon himself to critique pretty much everything about me from the way I sat to my face all the way to my background. I was shocked because before I started the interview he made a comment along the lines of, “I’ve heard good things but we shall see how you do with me”. I guess I should have known then. I literally was holding back tears and fled the interview crying for hours. It was crazy because I ended up getting the offer but I can still remember how horrible this man made me feel. During the internship, I ran into the man who did my interview and said “hi, I’m Catherine. You conducted my case interview at Howard University. I’m happy to say I chose to work here”. He responds by saying, “Oh that’s nice. Good luck. I’m sorry I don’t remember you I interview a lot of people”. Now, I don’t know if he was lying or not, but either way it made me realize something. We cannot internalize the negative things people do or say to us because they could care less. He ruined my day, killed my spirit and made me feel less than meanwhile he went on about his day and his life. This situation happened over a year ago and I still get upset about it while this man doesn’t even know who I am.
For me, I have been feeling very down and out lately. I feel very lost and unmotivated. I am petrified for what is to come next and this is being expressed by my lack of desire to be dedicated to school, work, anything really. I am scared of the future and frustrated with the present all while still fantasizing about my most daring and fulfilling dreams.
I am tired of feeling confined and as if there’s nowhere in this world where I can just be me, unapologetically raw and unfiltered. I am exhausted of having to explain myself and to be put on some unrealistic pedestal while my peers get to walk through life blissfully. It is unfair and I wonder if these people knew how they made me feel if they would just STOP. Literally STOP. Sometimes I wonder if I did something drastic would anyone care or would they still be talking shit… I don’t know and I love God too much to test him but sometimes the darkness that clouds my thoughts takes over me and I don’t know what to do.
I am writing this not as a cry for help but as a way for me to release. I know that I am not the only person who feels this way or gets this way. I truly wish I didn’t get these thoughts, feelings or internalized bullies and negative and mean people but I do. I don’t know how to fix it. If you do please share how you get through these things. Ugh
– Sober thoughts